Yesterday I was on the verge of deciding to throw in the towel on this whole world of breastfeeding. I’m a tough girl – I can give you a long list of painful things that I’ve endured…running a 1 mile race with a broken leg…refusing to get off the track…I’ve run 2 marathons & and I have some great horror stories from those experiences…so when it comes to pain – it typically doesn’t scare me.
Yesterday was the epitome of tough. Turns out that the three things that can go wrong with breastfeeding were all knocking at my door (you might want to stop reading now if you can’t handle my too much information)…
Cracked & Bleeding Nipples – check
Engorgement – check
Mastitis (this is an infection in the breasts that caused me to run a high fever for over 24 hours and feel like I have the flu) – check
So yesterday as I sat on my couch all I could do was let the crazy hormones take over and cry. I cried…and cried…and cried. I cried to Josh…I cried to my mom…I cried when I looked at Selah…and I cried when I saw my pitiful face in the mirror.
And somewhere in the crying I just heard the Lord say – “You will get through this.” I asked Him for specifics (I like to set goals)…but all I heard was there was an end & in the meantime I could know that He was with me.
I’ve been thinking about this today…I can handle pain MUCH better when I know specifics about the end. For example, in labor I actually asked the doctor in between pushes how much longer she was estimating. Josh laughed at me as he said I calmly explained to her that I did much better with “proper expectations.” She seemed taken a back but finally said – I think you have 15 minutes left…I did it in 10.
So, this my reality. I can handle pain so long as I know that I am in control and I can navigate a path to a quick and speedy end…and so yesterday, when there were no specific answers…only a promise of His presence I REALLY wanted to cave.
That is until I decided to embrace His promise…I stopped crying at my hopeless situation and started crying to Him. That was all I knew to do…and yet, amazingly there was peace there – a peace that built up both my heart and mind to know that although the end may be a bit farther – we will get there and in the meantime He will be there to comfort and teach.
One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
It became life to me yesterday – I petitioned…I prayed…I cried…and although I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for – I got the answer that matters most. He is with me and He will guard my heart, mind & even my crazy emotions as we journey through the pain.
FYI – the antibiotics did kick in this afternoon. I’m feeling MUCH better and I’m determined to stick out breastfeeding…
I will leave you with a picture of my precious one.