When Your List Looms Long

I stood in my closet for a solid 2 minutes this morning making my list for the day and contemplating just how in the world I would ever accomplish even half of what I just wrote especially since I have a sick kiddo at home.  I literally just stared at this list for a while, and even though I made the list in pink marker in hopes it would make me feel better...I felt more stress than joy about what today would hold.  A sampling of the list included:

Grocery Store (when we are out of goldfish and fruit snacks I know it's time)
Sunday sermon prep
Purchasing furniture for the husband's new office
Work Emails that continue to ding on the phone although it's my "day off"
Prep for our community group tomorrow night
Get Hair Appointment

I'm sure your list looks different than mine, but knowing people (especially women) today, I'm certain that you have your own list...and you're actually probably chuckling to yourself thinking that my list looks like child's play compared to your own.  Right?!  We have LOTS to do!  So many things pulling at our time and some days I'm tempted to crawl back into bed and just ignore the looming words on the list.

So what do we do?  When the list is a mile long and the day seems like mere minutes?  How do we keep our joy...our SANITY?!  I'm not an expert, but here's what's saving my life in this area:

1.  Allow God to Be the Plate - If you are like me, you've likely often said, "I've got so much on my plate!"  God convicted me years ago that when I got too busy that I in essence made Him a side course on my overflowing plate, when in fact He wants to be the plate!  He wants to be in every moment of my days.  Of course He'll be involved as I do some sermon prep today, but He's not relegated to just those things that I deem sacred - He also wants to give me wisdom as I choose furniture or talk to my neighbors.  It's more of a mindset than anything, but so long as I keep Him as the plate, I find much more balance and peace in my days.

2.  Choose the Important Over the Urgent - I'm always tempted to choose the item on my list that is screaming at me the loudest, but I'm learning that usually the items that are the loudest are not necessarily what's the most important.  I also tend to procrastinate on the things I know God is directing me to do but scare me.  I've put off projects and dreams so I could cater to small urgent matters, and I'm more determined than ever to make the most of my days.  So what is it that is that thing that is quiet but that you know needs to be done today?  Go ahead and move it up on the list - you'll thank me later.

3.  Take Care of You - One thing on my list today that I haven't mentioned is that I made an appointment 2 weeks ago for a massage today.  It's a gift to myself after doing quite a bit of manual labor this last week, and as I made my list this morning I picked up the phone to cancel the massage.  I mean really?  I just don't have time for something so frivolous!  But then I stopped and realized that if I'm healthy I will be more equipped to tackle what is in front of me.  Now most days, I don't have anything nearly as luxurious as a massage, but I DO take time for myself everyday.  It usually comes in the form of coffee and a good book or sitting outside for 30 minutes to enjoy the sunshine.  And taking care of myself takes time, but it's always a deposit and gives me the strength to continue pressing forward.

I could list a few more thoughts, but these 3 things are definitely helping me to maintain my sanity when the list looms long.  What about you?  What is saving your life as you stare down your lists?

Small Spaces That Speak To Me

Hi Friends,

It's been such a long time since I blogged, but my sister Leslie started back up with a lovely site: Inventive Hospitality (you should go check it out), and it reminded me of just how much I do enjoy writing down my thoughts & sharing them from time to time...so here we go again!

This last year we moved into a new home that has brought us so much joy as well as a few challenges (hello giant crack in the wall)!  But over the course of the year I have relished the opportunity to make this new place our own.  I've always been a fan of interior decorating, and with the inspiration of my mother and her elbow-grease to boot...I've loved tackling house projects since I was young.

What I'm discovering with this new project, is that I want this home to be right for us.  I want it to be beautiful, fun, practical, and interesting.  I want it to reflect the people who live here!  I think this is in line with where I am in my life as well...because I've come to the place where I'm no longer trying to be like someone else or dress like someone else or now decorate like someone else. 

I LOVE Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper (even visited her Magnolia Market recently), but I need some color in my life.  I swoon when I see sweet pictures in home decor magazines, but I know the practicality is not for my family.  I still pin lots of ideas on Pinterest, but I've given up any illusion that I can copy them.  So I'm having fun mixing and matching random things and creating an environment where my family can thrive!

One thing I've discovered that I love: random groupings of items that speak a story to me.  For example: this is the corner of my bathroom sink. 

Here is why this speaks to me:

1. The Bust: I've wanted a bust since I started reading The Nesting Place, my favorite decorating blog a couple of years ago.  From time to time I would see busts in her pictures from around her home and I decided that I needed my very own serious looking bust.  Also, I LOVE Pride and Prejudice and one of my favorite moments from the latest movie is when Elizabeth is walking through the sculptures at Pemberly.  There is something so regal about a bust...but then to layer it with my necklaces reminds me that you can be elegant...but you've also got to shine your personality.
2. Several pieces of jewelry that I keep out are from Noonday Collection.  Can I just tell y'all how much I LOVE Noonday?!  I enjoy jewelry, but I really love jewelry that is helping women around the globe.  And FYI - Noonday is having a huge sale right now, in fact the gold and black cuff is on sale...go check it out & read about their vision.
3. The picture in the pink frame is of myself as a 1 year-old with my Mema.  My Mema went to heaven last year, and I still miss her.  She was one of the toughest ladies I've ever known...and recently someone told me, "Paige, you are tough."  They went on to explain that those words were a compliment, but I took them that way...because I want to be tough like my Mema.  Her picture reminds me each morning that great women do hard things.
4. The quote is pretty self explanatory, because like you, I often spend more time than necessary in front of that mirror wishing a blemish away...or trying on a 3rd outfit for the day...and sometimes you need to be reminded to just slap on a smile & not worry about it.
5. Lastly, these books are all favorites.  Let me tell you why: 

1. Beyond Our Selves by Catherine Marshall - Growing up I read Christy & Julie several times by Marshall and I LOVED those books.  I would envision myself as a school teacher in the old west (too much Little House on the Prairie and Anne of Green Gables too), and I would have some sort of love triangle.  I loved the purity in these books and yet also the stories of strong men and women trusting God in the midst of truly hard circumstances.
2. Fresh Brewed Life by Nichole Johnson - this book changed me when I was in college.  I think this was the first book where I felt like the author was brutally honest about her struggles and wrestling with God.  I read it in a season where I was learning it was okay to wrestle.  Everything didn't have a 3-step solution, and this book taught me to breathe in the midst of the uncertainty.
3. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen - I read this every year.
4. Scouting the Divine by Margaret Feinberg - this book caused me to see God in nature in a new way.  I loved Feinberg's discoveries and the fact that she didn't just settle for nice truths...but that she continued to dig - both in Scripture and in nature.
5. Here's to Hindsight by Tara Leigh Cobble - this book wasn't my favorite, but I love the title.  I like being remembered each morning that at the end of the day I'll have a bit more hindsight into all that has transpired in my life, and to remember that things that don't make sense now...may make sense later.

 Who knew that a small space could speak so much?  Do you have happy/meaningful places in your home? 

Back to India I Go

I’m getting on a plane tomorrow…without my family…to go to India, and in many ways it still doesn’t seem real.  India captured a part of my heart over 6 years ago and the people in this land have changed me.

I haven’t stepped foot on the soil since I was 5 months pregnant with Selah and I’m curious to discover how much more the poverty and the children will affect me now that I am a Momma. 

I still remember one face the first day that I walked the streets of India.  Her pleading eyes and dirty hands lifted up to me.  My heart broke in India like it has never been broken before – it was a needed breaking – it was a look into reality – into the face of much of the world that we can easily ignore.  It was a “break my heart for what breaks Yours” moment, and her face changed me.

I can never prepare the teams that I take for the heart-break that they will encounter.  The poverty is all consuming, the culture so different, and with long held beliefs in karma and millions of gods the hopelessness can be deafening.  Josh describes India as an assault on all your senses, and although it’s usually taken as a negative description, I’ve discovered that in my life, I usually need that assault.

I need to be shaken – to be reminded of what the world faces while I’m busy posting cute pictures of my girls on Instagram.  I need to be woken up – not just to the pain but to the truth of God’s great hope.

This is from a school that I visited on my 2nd trip to India.  I LOVE what SOS is doing to feed & educate children!

And I’ve seen the hope of God more clearly in India than in anywhere else in the world.  Perhaps it’s because it’s in such contrast with the devastation…but regardless, in India, it is always more clear to me than ever that He alone is the answer.

The first year I went I was changed by that little girl on the street, but I was also changed by former prostitutes that I met in a church located in the heart of the red-light district.  The service was loud and exciting.  Jesus was there and the gospel was clear.  At the conclusion of the service, communion was served and tears pricked my eyes as men and women – outcasts previously – stood in the aisle eagerly awaiting the bread and cup.  I was asked to walk between these faces and serve the bread.

That walk down the aisle changed me.  I saw hope and freedom and joy in the eyes of so many women who I knew had previously been surrounded with fear and lies and death.  As these precious ones reached out for the bread I was ashamed of the way I casually come to His table.  They fully knew of His truth and they were immersed in His kingdom…and as their hands reached out they were literally reaching for life!  Their eyes shown with such hope and joy that by the time I reached the end of that aisle I was weeping in wonder at this God that I not only serve, but in that moment was representing.

India always changes me.  And so although I’ve got a 3-year old and 18-month old, I told my husband last year…I’ve got to get to India.  If I’m to continue to serve specifically in the areas of missions & prayer at my church – I’ve got to go – I need to see what He is doing and I want to be a small part of His light in this place that always imparts back into my soul.

This is from a Women's Conference that I spoke at a few years ago - I LOVE the women of India!  They are more powerful than they know.

So would you pray for me?  I’m taking 5 extraordinary women with me.  None are from my home church, as I felt the Lord direct me to spread this experience and His heart-beat with others.  So I invited specific friends and acquaintances that God showed me and I’m beyond excited to walk with these girls.

We have a busy week ahead of us: Women’s Meetings will be a big part, and we will also have 3 days in which we focus on the area of human trafficking.  I’m especially burdened by one day in which we have the opportunity to encourage the men and women who work on the front lines to battle this horrible injustice – we will spend a day with those who rescue, and I’m praying that our time breathes a bit of God’s love and refreshment into their lives.

Would you also pray for my sweet family?  Pray that the days go by quickly and with great fun for my girls.  Pray for God’s grace for my husband and parents who will watch my girls.

And would you pray for India?  Pray that God would continue to make Himself known, that the church would be strengthened, and that injustice would vanish. 

Where laundry is done...

What I Learned While Traveling the World with My Babies this Summer (Part 2)

As I mentioned in my previous post, the main lesson that I learned while traveling to Europe with my babies this summer is that God can be glorified in a place where we focus on doing less and being more.  This is hard for me.  I like to be busy.  I like to do things, but I'm learning day by day to embrace His grace and walk in it.

I'm also learning to find joy and His fingerprints in the messes of life.  I don't like messes either, but this simple lesson was on full display as we traveled to Europe this summer with our girls (honestly, is it even POSSIBLE to travel with a 3 year old & 13 month old without a giant mess in your wake?)...and I think I'm starting to get it.  God can be in the midst of the mess.  He isn't nearly as uncomfortable as I am, and He really does love using the foolish and weak parts of our lives to show off.  Here's two ways He demonstrated this to me on our trip:

Fashion Class and "Glitter Nails" in Czech Republic
We were teaching in a creative arts camp while in Czech Republic and I was assigned to help my
amazing friend Dita teach fashion class.  Now, while I DO love a good pair of shoes & sometimes tune into Fashion Police, I am far from a fashionista and I know next to nothing about designing clothes, which is what this class would be doing.

Leading up to the camp, Dita would email me her amazing ideas (creating wedding dresses out of plastic, t-shirt transformation, and a lecture on Grace Kelly style), and often asked what I wanted to contribute.  Contribute?  As in teach something about fashion?  I had nothing.  I scoured Pinterest, but discovered that my best ideas had been done in previous years at the camp.  The only idea that I had to offer that seemed of interest was "glitter nails."  Now, I had never done "glitter nails."  I had read about it on Pinterest and seen some successful ventures on the hands of a few friends.  It looked easy enough, and I felt confident as I purchased numerous shades of polish & glitter from Wal-Mart - I could make this fabulous!

Dita gives the girls her opinion on their latest des

My first day in fashion class was fun albeit a little overwhelming.  I was trying to get into a rhythm of juggling my babies while also connecting with the young people, and I just tried to stay up.  We colored fashion designs and played with pastels to get a feeling for how color works with fabric.  I smiled at the sweet girls in our class and had barely exchanged names when our 3 hours class was finished.

Each day got progressively easier while the projects were progressively harder.  We created dresses, painted t-shirts, and designed wedding gowns out of plastic.  I quickly realized that I needed to at least try to help with fabrics & design.  I remember clearly trying to help my girls with the wedding dress and thinking to myself, "I am making a mess!"  And in that moment, I felt God whisper, "I can be in a mess...just keep working at it."  And so I stapled and fitted plastic on our model.  We laughed together and little by little we transformed yards of white plastic into a beautiful gown that I was quite proud of (if I do say so myself).

The final day of camp we had a fashion show & party where each class was able to show off what they had learned.  As we prepared for our walk down the cat-walk, Dita asked if I could give each of the girls "glitter nails" so we could look fierce.  Absolutely!

And so, in the last few minutes of class with these precious girls, I helped create another mess.  We started to paint and add glitter to our fingers when I realized that we were not looking like the Pinterest pictures that I had seen.  It was a mess.  At first I wanted to panic with the realization that this was not living up to my preconceived ideas of fabulous "glitter nails" when I looked around to see that the girls didn't see the lack of perfection that I was so sensitive to...instead, these girls who had bonded over the previous week were oohing and aahing over one another's hands.  There was laughter in the room, and more than a couple of the girls asked if I could paint their nails for them (I was, after all the "glitter nail" expert).  And in that stuffy classroom across globe, I felt the presence of God.

With sparkles of glitter on these young women that I now loved, I silently prayed that they would find Him.  May they be drawn to the One who makes life radiant.  May they see that He alone can redeem and create beauty from the messes we are so prone to create.

Pastel drawings as we practiced with color

Our plastic wedding dresses as modeled in the fashion show

Selah's FAVORITE moment of the entire trip - modeling her t-shirt in the fashion show

Puddle Jumping in Norway
Our week in Norway was focused on prayer and encouraging our good friends (Sean & Hannah) as they prepare to plant a church in September.  Again, we would "do missions" by just "being with them."  Everyday was spent prayer walking for a couple of hours & then we would simply hang out - talking, dreaming, bouncing ideas off one another.  In the midst of this talking and prayer, we had five children in their house, which could only mean one thing - plenty of messes.

I gave up after a couple of hours trying to pick up after my girls.  It was a loosing battle, and we all decided to just relax and let them have some fun.  In my mind, this was fine when we were at home, but when it was time to do our prayer walks we should be extra spiritual - no messes.

I think God was laughing at my attempts to be spiritual, because on our very first prayer walk we definitely encountered a mess.  We walked to a school where they plan on meeting for their church services, and because it had been raining for days the parking lot was dotted with puddles as big as a playa lake.  Our kids were in strollers, and so the adults took a few minutes to walk around the school praying and seeking God...and being spiritual.  I was focused in prayer when I heard my daughter's laughter across the parking lot.

As I looked up, I realized that she & Sean's oldest son had gotten out of the strollers and were running, jumping, and splashing in the giant puddles!  My first thought was that she would be soaked, and that I wasn't up to the mess that would certainly ensue, when I was reminded of my recent lesson in Czech Republic - God can be in the mess.

And so, I decided to let her play, and I stood back and smiled at the joy of these two small children.  It was better than Disney World!  They laughed and shrieked, and before I knew it, all of the adults were cheering them on.  God spoke to my heart a lot that day - about jumping a little more...about trusting Him even when what is before me looks like a mess...about the joy that is all around if I will look for it...and about this church plant.  Our friends are probably going to make a mess or two.  They will definitely be forced to jump out of their comfortable and clean lives to make an impact in Norway, but they are saying yes to God and ready to make a mess for Him.

We prayed that day while our kids jumped in puddles that this school would be a blessing for their church...that they would find favor there & that God would get glory as they make a mess for His kingdom.  And guess what?  Two weeks later, they met with the principal of that school and were given three rooms to meet in each week...for free.  Let the puddle jumping begin in Norway!

What I Learned While Traveling the World with My Babies This Summer (Part 1)

It's been a month since we were in Czech Republic, but as I've reflected over the last couple of weeks, I wanted to share a few lessons that I learned while away.  For those of you unaware of our family adventure, Josh and I decided to take our two girls with us this year as we led a short-term missions team to Czech Republic.  We then sent the team home and traveled for another week to Norway so we could see our friends and spend some time praying with them as they prepare to plant a church next month.

When we first decided to take our girls with us I knew it was the right decision in my heart.  Josh and I have traveled internationally in a short-term capacity for years.  In fact, some of our dearest friends now live across the globe, and before I became pregnant I had a bit of a bargaining session with God.  It went something like this:

Me: If I agree to this whole kid thing, what is it going to do to our love and sense of calling when it comes to international travel and missions?

God: I don't understand?

Me: Well, do I have to give it all up?

God: No.

Me: Well, how is it going to work?

God: You'll see.

Me: I don't like this answer.  I would like you to expound please.

God: You'll see.

Me: Again, I need more details before I commit to these children I think You intend for me to have.

God: Sigh...Paige, some things in your life are gonna change - change for the better actually - and you'll just have to trust me on this one.  But I will tell you this about travel.  It's going to change too, but overall, if I give you the grace and love for the nations, don't you think I can grace your kids too?  You and Josh know that I've called you as a family to this...and that calling can extend to new additions of your family...including small additions.

Me: Okay...do you promise?

God: Trust Me.

****Hope you know, I just took great liberty with this conversation, but in general it went something like that, and from that day forward I had an internal sense and belief that God would give grace to my girls for whatever He wanted us to do as a family.

So, I knew in my heart that travelling as a family was the right thing, but I have to confess that as the date of the trip drew near I began to panic.  How would the flight work?  I mean, I have a 13 month old who crawls and moves and is BUSY!  How would I keep her at bay for a 10 hour flight?  And what about jet lag?  Packing?  And our poor team?  Would the 7 young people traveling with us explode at some point with Selah's amazing propensity to ask "Why?" 57 times in a row?

Suffice it to say, I started to pray a lot and I made plenty of lists.  The morning that we left I woke up with my stomach in knots, and it wasn't until we had been on our longest flight for a couple of hours that I finally took a deep breath and remembered God's promise to me - my girls had His grace for this trip.

And His grace is always sufficient.

We helped with a creative arts camp in Czech Republic & one day Haven got to be a model for the photography class.  She was definitely up for the task!

Throughout the trip I was continually amazed at His grace.  My girls laughed more, played more, and slept more than I could have ever imagined!  The team embraced my babies and someone seemed to always have them on their hips.  And not only that...but I saw how God wanted to use my girls to bring His love into the lives of the amazing young people we met in Czech Republic.  A 13 month old with a big toothy grin can bring down defenses like nothing else, and I found myself having easy conversations because they were kicked off with laughter at my kids antics.

These sweet girls were in my fashion class that helped out with & they were quite smitten with Haven

So, the greatest lesson that I learned while we were away was that if God says it...He can do it.

Also, there really is something to doing less and being more.  I read that statement a while back, and I'm realizing that in essence this what I did on this trip.  At one point I was feeling the pressure that perhaps I wasn't DOING ENOUGH at the camp because of the needs of my girls.  Wasn't I supposed to be helping more?

I texted my mom & mother-in-law about this frustration and asked for them to pray, when my mother-in-law sent me this text:
     God's Love is being communicated greatly through your family of 4.  So rest in that.  Meaningful 
     conversations may "look" differently this trip, but KNOW THIS, His will IS being performed, and 
     you are grooming two amazing missionaries, even now, carried in your arms.

Such wisdom and such truth.

And now, as I'm back in "real life" I'm asking myself how I can be more while doing less...how I can bring my girls more fully into the life I know I'm called to live...and how I can rest in His promise of grace.

Josh talking with the team all while juggling his girls

The plane ride was one of Selah's favorite parts!  The time went fast, and there are plenty of great blogs out there with ideas on how to keep your kids entertained on long flights.

Selah enjoyed painting in fashion class...she jumped right in with the "big girls"

And our amazing team made my girls laugh to know end.  In all honesty, they may have been tired of Selah's "roars" in their face (she was a lion or something for a couple days) but they were the best people to travel with

One Word for 2012 : : ABIDE

Source: carolinesimas.blogspot.com via Caroline on Pinterest

For the last couple of years I’ve chosen one word to focus on for the coming year instead of resolutions.  I’m a big goal setter, so resolutions come and go in my life…sometimes on a daily basis.  But taking one word to meditate upon, grow in, and discover has an intentionality that suits me right now.

I’ve been praying for the last few days about what word the Lord has for me to focus upon for 2012…and my mind has swayed from A to Z.  But when I get really quiet and let my heart listen to His voice one word becomes clear:

ABIDE

I have to be honest, the word abide scares me a bit.  It seems almost like a description for the super spiritual, like a Mother Teresa or Mary at the feet of Jesus.  And those who know me best will readily admit I’m much more of a Martha or Army general.

It scares me because at the core of who I am – this is what I long for – an ability to shut off my to-do lists and agendas – a serenity and yet also strength that resonates from simply being with Him.  And it scares me because it seems so opposite from what I naturally gravitate towards.  

I am, after all, a master goal setter – I accomplish life with gusto.

Run a marathon – I’ve done it.

Graduate from seminary – check.

Learn to take great pictures – working on it.

And on and on it goes…

But I want more.  

I want more than an impressive resume – I want substance and joy and beauty and Him.  I want to continue seeing fruit from my life, but I want to know that it’s His fruit and not something I’m creating that is nothing more than a waxy substitute that just looks pretty.

So ABIDE it is.

2012 will be a year in which I try to discover what it really means to abide in Him & He in me.  I’m prepared for the uncomfortable, the silence, the listening, and the unexpected.  Honestly, I don’t really know what I’m expecting, but I trust Him…and isn’t that – trust – the beginning of abiding?

John 15:4-9

⁴ Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵ I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. ⁷ If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. ⁹ As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 

When Ministry and Mommyhood Collide

I've contemplated writing a series of blog posts for sometime on the topic of "When Life in Ministry is Hard."  The purpose would not be to complain - in fact, they are mostly lessons about my attitude in life, but I've felt that perhaps they were needed.

You see, I feel like in the blogosphere you basically get two sides to the coin when it comes to those of us in full-time ministry (and trust me, I KNOW ministry is so much more than full-time pastors - we can discuss this later)...you either get words from the uber-spiritual who seem to magically have it all together.  Whose blogs encourage others to follow their prescribed 6-step formula to a perfect life.  On the other end, we seem to have way too many nay-sayers out there who are quick to judge those of us in full-time ministry.  Proclaiming how ministry should be done and focusing on the horror stories of those who have been hurt in the pathway of professional ministers.

The nay-sayers have some good points.  I've been hurt too - LOTS - it comes with the territory of growing up as a preacher's kid and going to a well-known Christian college with so many problems that they recently grabbed the largest headlines in the nation.  But sometimes as a preacher-girl who is trying her hardest to make a small dent in West Texas, you can't help but feel all the naysayers are pointing at you...and you can't help but cynically wonder if the perfect preachers have a hidden mistress somewhere (just being honest)...

And in the midst of the many Spiritual discussions...you just wonder if people really know what life is like for us...So, I thought I would give people a glimpse.  I wanted to share a few of the hard things, and the first blog in my mind - the one that seems to be a constant pull is:

When Ministry & Mommyhood Collide

It hit me hardest last spring when a baptismal service in our college ministry was approaching.  I was meeting with a college woman for almost a full-year at that time and was amazed at the transformation God was doing in her life.  This young woman who had walked into my office with defenses high and questions abounding was on an amazing journey of discovering the beauty of God's love and His transforming work in her heart.

She didn't have life all figured out yet and was still making plenty of mistakes, but when the baptismal service was announced she approached me about it.  I was ecstatic that she wanted to get baptized and encouraged her with all my heart.  We signed her up and all was set until Satan, the great accuser, began to assault her with every doubt and condemnation in his arsenal.

She called the day of the baptismal to explain that she wasn't going to go through with it, and listed a long list of reasons why she wasn't worthy.  Through texts and voicemails I was relentless that day.  I prayed and pleaded with God...I just knew deep in my heart that she needed to identify with Christ in that water!  I prayed and I prayed and I waited by my phone just hoping she would call to say her mind was changed.

And when I was prepared to give up hope - she called to say although she still felt like a wretch she knew she had to obey Him.  How refreshing her honesty was in my life, and as I hung up the phone I did a little happy dance!  It was less than one hour until our service so I hustled Selah through a quick dinner of macaroni and cheese and did my mom duties of getting the diaper bag ready at lightening speed.

We jumped into the car and I began to make my way towards the church.  Selah was noticeably quiet in the car, her little cooing and babbling sounds were absent, but I was not really paying attention because my heart was excited for the college kids I have come to love - excited about what God was going to do in their hearts this night.

And then I heard it.  The sound of my baby girl vomiting.  I darted my eyes into the rear view mirror to find to my horror that my girl was truly sick.  I will spare you the details of macaroni & milk in the hot sun (but those words alone should suffice for you to know it was a BAD scene in my car).

I pulled my car over and cradled my baby girl all the while yelling at God that this was not an appropriate time for my baby to be sick!  I needed to get to the church!  SHE needed me there.  And yet, in front of my eyes was my sweet Selah - and she needed me too.

As I cleaned up a mess with paper towels from the gas station I began to cry.  Was I to be one of those professional ministers who brought disappointment to a hurt girl who was desperate for truth?  Was I to be one more person that she could say didn't show up when she was reaching out her hand towards faith?  The fears ran rampant in my mind & I stood paralyzed on the side of Slide Road trying to decide who I was to be at this moment.

Because it was obvious that I could not be both Selah's mommy and her counselor.

And then I heard His voice.  The actual counselor...the actual hand of faith...the actual truth...the actual One she needed to see that night.  I heard Him simply say, "I am enough."

So I put Selah back into her car seat - my naked baby - pale and visibly shaken from what was attacking her body.  And I drove back home - tears down my eyes - crying for my baby who hurt - crying for my misplaced desire to be all things to all people - crying at the truth that He is enough - crying that she would find His truth for herself.

Ministry is hard sometimes - especially when choices must be made, and explanations are not always clear.  Have you experienced ministry to be hard as well?  I would love for you to share - perhaps we can encourage one another.

I have a part 2 to when Ministry and Mommyhood Collide (It's a more positive spin on it and what the Lord is currently teaching me) - I will share it soon.

When You Wonder If It's Worth It

If you are like me there are days when I ask myself the big question of why I’m doing life the way I choose to do it.  I’m trying to live a life of simple obedience – doing my best to sense God’s direction and respond with an uncomplicated yes. 

Living a life of simple obedience means I try to write as He directs and I talk with young women when they request it and I work hard planning mission trips and college events and I even parent in a way that is right for our family.

And so there are days like today when I’m wondering if those small decision to go against what would be more convenient or easy are really worth it.  Do you ever feel that way too?

And then God graciously answers my silent question…my secret doubt…my selfish desire for an easier way.  He showed me today that “Our beauty is not ultimately reflected in the mirror but in the lives we impact.”  (Quote from a Lisa Bevere tweet today).

It was so simple – first it was coffee with a friend who although had some concerns about a decision I was attempting to make validated me by simply saying, “I trust you.  Whatever decision you make on this (it was a ministry idea) I will fully support.”

And then it was an email from a friend I have not spoken with in over 10 years.  A simple email thanking me for what I put out in this blog…for it has been what she needed to read at the moment and it has served as confirmation in her life from the Lord.

And then it was a meeting with a young woman whom I had supposed rejected the truth and theology I presented in a class that I taught 5 years ago…asking to meet so she could tell me about her journey with the Lord…and how my words…and my actions had played a role in that journey without my knowing.

As I sat across from this young woman – face radiant and eyes clear, sharing her story about God’s love and healing and freedom and joy - I realized that every sacrifice…every inconvenience…every difficult decision…every obedience is worth it.  And although I’m ending my day looking rather haggard and tired – there is also a beauty in my life…perhaps I don’t see it in the dark circles or frizzy hair today – but I can see it in the lovely lives I’ve been privileged to touch…and that beauty is enough.

And so to you out there today, I have two small encouragements for you:

First, trust the Lord with those choices of obedience that are more difficult than most would ever know.  Obedience to Him is always right - even when we don’t see the immediate results we would prefer.

Second, I encourage you today to let someone know that they have made a difference in your life.  That person whom you assume has it all together may be asking the big why question today.  Let your small act of saying thank you be one way God graciously answers their petition.  I’m going to do it right now.  Will you join me?

And to my friends (T, W, & L – that’s code for their names J).  Thank you.

Glimpses

Some days it's as if the Lord gives you a glimpse - a reminder of why you do just exactly what you do.  These reminders are different for everyone - I'm sure parents get these glimpses when they find their hands grasped by a child...or for my husband I know it happens occasionally when a client tears up upon entering their new home.  We all get those glimpses from time to time - but sometimes...I don't know about you...but sometimes it feels like the work is more overwhelming than the reminders that it is worth it.

I feel that way working at the church quite often - don't get me wrong - I LOVE my job - I would do it for free...it is not a job but my passion...and a huge part of simply who I am.  There are many aspects to my work at the church - missions...teaching...administration...and plenty of listening.

But yesterday was a day full of glimpses in one specific area - zoe - a ministry to college students & young adults that Josh and I have overseen now for 7 years.  In all honesty we've had our ups and downs - I've had young people cuss me out...I've cried over giving counsel that was swiftly ignored only to see the pain in young women's eys...we've tried to quit at least 4 times (literally - gone in and said we would like to be done)...we've seen numbers fluctuate...and we've questioned why God keeps us there.

And yet, we've had some of our greatest joys from working with young people as well.  Performing weddings...countless talks over coffee...6am girls' groups that I've led for years...pre-marital counseling...lots of laughter...sharing tears...but mostly seeing these young men and women fall more in love with Jesus.  So there are moments when we love it...there are glimpses of why this is His purpose...

Lately, I've been distanced from the hands-on conversations with girls that normally give me the glimpses into why I love zoe.  Mostly because of my pregnancy & choosing to say no to things like my 6am small group & other commitments in this season.  I've missed it...and the distance was causing me to question once again..."Are you sure God?  You want us to continue to give our lives here?"

So yesterday was His ever-faithful reminder that although my life may be changing there is still so much to give.  My glimpses included coffee with a young woman who after drifting for a bit is renewing her deep relationship with the Lord...and then an unexpected email from a woman who was in our group 4 years ago & is now married & living in a different city.  Her short message included these words, "I had forgotten what sweet memories I have from my time spent with you and the girls. I started thinking back about how much I grew during that time, and I just wanted to thank you for all the time you poured into me...you helped make me a better person, and my time in Zoe changed my life in so many ways!"

And then...perhaps my greatest glimpse of all occured at our weekly zoe service where we had a night of worship & communion.  At one point I just stopped singing & looked around the room.  Before me were over 80 young people - some standing...some kneeling...some sitting...some crying...some quiet...some singing...all worshipping...and giving adoration to Him.  In that moment, I quietly said thank you to the Lord.

Thank you for not allowing us to quit.
Thank you for giving me a place to share myself.
Thank you for giving me words or tears or laughter or empathy when I haven't known what to say.
Thank you for choosing me to love these people.
And Thank you for the love I've received from them.

It was a good day...and a good reminder that whatever He calls us to do - it is worth it.

And by the way, we had a "love" theme to our night of worship last night.  In the middle of singing Elizabeth Brown read a spoken word piece that she wrote that brought tears to my eyes.  You should read it... http://half-bakedwords.blogspot.com/

And I pray that you feel His love this weekend and that you feel a renewed love for where He has you.

Jumping Into the Story

Josh is out of town this weekend – he is skiing with our zoe young adults, and for the first time I’ve stayed behind because the Dr. asked me to not travel at this point in the pregnancy. It’s been a little hard on me – I LOVE our ski trips & Crested Butte…but I’ve tried to embrace this time & make the most of it. I finished putting together our new office/guest room (I’ll post pics tomorrow or Tuesday).

I also tried to do some reading, relaxing & getting ready for baby this weekend. I’ve almost finished Donald Miller’s book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and I have to say it came at the perfect time in my life. I’m not big on new year resolutions but I’ve been contemplating my life – somewhat annoyed that I feel a bit complacent at this time. I’ve been asking the Lord a lot of questions…wondering what this next season of life will look like for me…and somewhere along the way I guess I’ve just waited for life to happen to me rather than going for and living the life I know He has created for me.

Does that make sense? Well, Miller’s book articulated my thoughts as he writes about jumping into the story that God has created for us. He explains that most people just pass day by day – lulled by television, job requirements, and they are basically spectators rather than people who are living an amazing story. There is so much more to what he says – you might check out his blog: http://donmilleris.com/category/storythings/

Anyways, it’s gotten me thinking this weekend. I’ve lived some AMAZING stories – my life has been an amazing story – I’m pretty passionate and I go for what I want…but I want more…I want to know that I’m fully engaged in the story God has written for me! So, I’ve decided to share 10 stories with you that I want to engage in more in 2010…I realized in church that it is in fact, January 10th, of 2010…so here are 10 stories that I hope to really live this year. I’m sharing them as a way to hold myself accountable.

1. A story with the Lord. I feel like God wants to have some really good dialogue this year – He has been teaching me to shut my mouth over the last couple of years…and I think a primary reason is so I am in a better position to listen to Him…

2. A Baby Story – I have a feeling that there are at least 10 stories within this one waiting for me.

3. My story with Josh. I have an incredible husband and I’m thankful for our marriage…but I want to discover more about the man I love this year. He’s brilliant, passionate, fun, and he has the craziest ideas. I want to engage those ideas more this year – show him that I believe in Him and walk more fully alongside him.

4. A story of obedience. God has spoken to me so clearly about a project that I’m supposed to do. I’ve worked on it for over a year, but it is far from complete…it scares me & I’ve never felt such resistance in my life – must mean it is going to be powerful. I want to face that resistance this year…finish what I started & trust God to make it happen or not.

5. A story of freedom. The first year that I went to India my heart broke as I met girls and women & heard their stories. I’ve been praying for over 3 years that God would open a door for me to do something about the injustice that I saw. I’ve gotten to do small things, but just recently I was invited to serve on a committee (Project Red Light Rescue)…and I’ve decided that I’m going to give all that I can…even to see one life safe…you’ll hear more about this in the future.

6. A story of friendship. I’m a horrible friend – seriously, it is a major weak area in my life. I like being alone…and yet I don’t. I have a lot of “friends” but very few people who I let in. I’ve decided I want to enter the narrative of having a few great friends.

7. A story of health. I love to run – it is exhilarating, stress relieving, and a time to reflect. After the baby, I’ve decided I have to start running again. I will at least do a half-marathon…maybe an entire marathon by the end of the year…and I would love to run this story with others.

8. A story of mentoring. God has placed AMAZING young women in my life – so honored that I get to pour into so many…and I don’t know what it will look like, but I’m committed to continuing to be available.

9. A story of pursuit. God placed a dream in my heart about 4 years ago in the area of missions & that dream is coming more & more into fruition. We’ve created a new 501c3 called Pursue Missions International…and I have unbelievable people who believe in this vision…it’s going to grow to an entirely new level in 2010 – and I’m so aware that it’s going to grow as others dream and create with me – I’m excited & open to where God wants it to go!

10. A story of truth. I love teaching…I love studying…I love seeing my students get that Aha! moment…So I’m committed to continue learning myself. I have a goal of reading 50 books this year. I took a long break from reading “difficult” books after seminary, but I think it is time to begin reintroducing them (commentaries, theology, etc) back into my diet.

Well, if you’ve read this entire way – wow! Again, this is mostly to hold myself accountable – I’ll report on my story progress as the year goes on…and I encourage you to look at the stories you are living. Are there stories that you need to enter or jump back into?