Friday, August 17, 2012

Becoming Fully Alive

I’m sitting in an Einstein Bagels on an overcast Friday trying to figure out the best way to tell my blog family that I’m making a major transition in my life.  I’m also thinking about how awesome my husband is as he is home with the girls so I can have a couple of hours to get away to write and study for an upcoming teaching I’m doing.  Oh, and I’m also silently thanking God that I don’t belong to a sorority as I spy the latest Greek fashion trend of baggy t-shirts, little shorts and Uggs (I thought that we were past this in our community but I guess I was wrong?).

Anyways, back to my exciting transition...While on maternity leave I felt God nudge me that it would be best for my family if I went part-time at my job at the church.  Working in ministry is never an 8-5 job, and as much as I’ve loved the many facets of working at our church for the last 9 years I’ve also realized that the constant demand of people needing me has the potential to overshadow the two little ones who really need me the most.

And as I got quiet and talked long and hard with the Lord about this transition, I also discovered that I needed to take a step back not just for my girls’ sake but for my own.  I have so many ideas and plans and thoughts swirling inside this head and heart of mine - it’s been there for several years - the what ifs and dreams.  They have been pushed down and down further for the last 3 years.  The demands of the urgent always screaming louder and pushing more forcefully.  I really thought these ideas and dreams might go away, but they are still there.  Teeming with more steam and strength than ever before...

And so I’m taking a big step and easing away from the job and ministry that I love (I’ll still be there part-time), but I’m opening time and energy to the two avenues that need it most - my family and my creativity.

I’m tempted just to tell people that I’m backing away to be a better mother...and although that IS true...I know deep down that what will make me a better mother isn’t just spending more time with my girls but it’s also living my life fully alive.

I’ve always loved the quote by Saint Irenaeus, “The glory of God is man fully alive.”  And I want to know His glory and live it out as well.  Not just living the “I should or I must” that life seems to always hand out...but the “I dream and I believe” that is bubbling just below the surface.  

I wonder how many of us...if we were really honest, push aside those dreams...those thoughts...that desire to let our creativity come alive because it’s not practical or secure?  What if we tried to live fully alive?  Would the world see His glory any more clearly?

All I know is that at the age of 33 I’m going to take a step that scares me.  I’m going to wave good-bye from the security and comfort that I know and try to be a little more adventurous.  I’m going to really play with my girls.  I’m going to study the Word and ask the hard questions.  I’m going to be more honest - with myself and maybe with you.  I’m going to attempt to create.  I’m going to take steps toward the dreams inside.  I’m going to be more present in my marriage.  And I hope that as I do these things that I discover more and more what it means to BE fully alive.

Will it be easy?  Probably not.  Already in the first two weeks of part-time status the time I had set aside to write and dream has been stolen away, but I’m determined.  And already in the first two weeks I’ve wondered about money and security and all those necessities, but I’ve lived by faith before and I know that it produces growth (and the good Lord KNOWS I need some of that).

Will this living fully alive be easy?  No.  Will I succeed at it everyday?  No.  But I’m tired of ignoring who I was meant to be - I’m ready to embrace this whole process of “Becoming Paige” - so here I go!

What about you?  Are there some ideas or dreams you need to unleash?


Liz said...


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